Feminine Bullying: The REAL Oldest Profession

When someone feels the need to commit senseless murder upon my EGO, I actually respect the person who does me the solid of showing me the weapon and the reason for war,  BEFORE I get blown to smithereens.  It is after all an attack upon MY psyche.   I think that “person” owes that to me, given the fact that I’m being pulled into THEIR psychotic tupperware party-for-two. I like to see what‘s on the menu, it‘s only right, my being the guest of honor and all.

Yes, I say “tupperware party” because the “persons” to whom  I am referring at this moment happen to be my collective “sisters” (and I DO use the term sisters “loosely”).

For years I was unnerved by the “silent” homicides I  witnessed daily;  Against myself and others, by members of the “fairer” sex.  I think “unfairer” would be a better description, since no provocation on my part was every forthcoming.

Many women seem to have this ability to aim disguised personal hostilities in the direction of some poor shy, girl who has unwittingly become their target. Their powers to devastate appear so great that the unfortunate “bulls-eye/girl” is not only shaken by an out-of-left -field attack, but starts to grow a permanent complex about herself.  Her looks, self-worth,  intellect, choice in clothes, the way she speaks; whatever, depending on the type of annihilation dealt. 

 What makes it worse is that the cowardly “attacker”  has set up a defence block that makes it is almost impossible for the victim to gain any truth from the situation.  Insight, which might have helped the victim/target see clearly that the slam on her personage or physical appearance was the end result of a self-loathing, repressed, angry woman, who really aimed the weapon meant for herself, at someone else.

Even if you even have the courage to confront this mean-spirited entity, you probably won’t be successful because this person is GOOD at what she does! She will looked shocked, and HURT, that you would think such a thing!   She will DENY DENY DENY that you were ever attacked in the first place. Yes, it’s ALL in your MIND!   She will offer seemingly sensible explanations designed to blow off your silly concerns.  She will make remarks such as:  “I was only trying to help you, that skirt doesn’t do you justice”, “I was ONLY kidding, can’t you take a joke, you are WAY TOO SENSITIVE!”  “I didn’t mean to imply you were stupid, WE LOVE your charming way of talking”, etc. 

 All her transparent excuses not only make sense when you hear them coming from a sweetly convincing mouth, but YOU end up up feeling bad that you questioned HER motive in the first place, then it‘s add one more thing to blame yourself for.  Let‘s add the one last factor that drives the point home and helps create an endless cycle of women who don’t value themselves or know their place in this universe.    Most of these “bully women” hold positions of some power, at least in the victim‘s eyes.  It could be a supervisor at the office, the president of the Ladies Auxillary, a respected reverand‘s wife, a sainted mother,  or sometimes a “best” girlfriend.   All of us women who have ever been on the receiving end of a loaded gun we thought was a water pistol can relate to this.

Without droning on and boring you about all the catty comments I’ve witnessed during my life, I will leave you with one situation that happened to me, and the empowerment I gained with a little courage and some “word play”.  I was 26 years old and I accepted EVERYONE, wanted to be everyone’s friend. I held everybody  ELSE in such HIGH esteem that I essentially forgot I was supposed to save some for myself.  Anyway,  this ‘girl“, I’ll call her “Debbi” seemed to have it in for me as soon as she saw me.   I think I committed the unforgivable crime of transferring to her department. She had a hard-on for me from day one.  It seemed like everytime I spoke to a co-worker, or answered a customer‘s question, she was muttering a comment under her breath.  Just loud “enough” so I wasn’t mistaking her intent, but innocently asking “what?” in a sweet voice, if I happened to ask her to repeat whatever it was she was mumbling about.  I went out of my way to be sweet, to bring her into the conversation, to make her laugh. NOTHING DOING!

About three months into the job, I was having a really rough day.  As I fielded phone call after phone call from elderly personage who had nothing better to do than participate freely in 1989’s pet witchhunt known as the “water wasting hotline”, I was about tired of the human race and for once, didn’t care if I made the best impression on my co-workers and customers, or not.  Well, Debbi started in with her moronic-mumblings while I was on the phone with yet ANOTHER Gladys Cravitts-type old gal who certainly HADN’T retired her NOSINESS to her neighbors comings and goings.  I was trying in vain to decipher what the scratchy voice on the phone was bitching about THIS time, and this feat of patience required all that was left of me, which wasn’t much.

Debbi‘s mumblings seemed to get louder as she realized that for once, she didn’t have my full attention.  It was frustrating business – listening to one cranky old bird yammering in my ear, exhibiting what seemed like the throes of advancing dementia AND trying to block out  the demented ramblings of this FUTURE biddy.  Whispered insults that  she didn’t have the balls to utter in a normal voice.  That was IT!  I slammed down the phone.  The whole office stopped what it was doing to watch in silence.   Debbi, of course, was just as silent.  I approached her and asked her what she wanted with me.  Of course, she tried to play it off like, “whatever do you mean?”  I then pointed to my butt and asked her if she saw the “Kick ME” sign taped to it.  She didn’t reply so I asked her again if she saw the “Kick Me” sign taped to my butt.  Finally, she stuttered, N na no…  I said, “Your’e right, because there ISN’T one taped there, so I would appreciate it if you would just get your foot OUTTA my ASS!  I know, not the most awe-inspiring  comeback, but it did me a world of good!  I stood up for myself and that shut her up! Eventually, she started mumbling at someone else in the office, but  alas, she wasn’t the Crack-Shot she used to be.  My career at the City water department went on without turmoil until I moved away.

As for Debbi, I heard a rumor a few years after I moved. It’s  actually a quite  satisfying scenario to imagine . People who run into her report that  she hasn’t stopped mumbling  but  now it’s aimed at passers-by downtown, mainly those who get too near the dumpster she resides in.  She reportedly roams the park every day around 10 am, armed with a paper bag containing some BoonesFarm wine or Dollar Store ripple, while she pushes a stolen KMART cart filled with God knows what, on her way to God knows where. I don’t think anyone even pays attention to who she’s trying to insult anymore.   Maybe a few pidgeons..

Let me pass on some advice to all you nice girls out there who will someday become nice women. You don’t need to cultivate meanness like it’s a valued delicacy. Meanness is NOT a strength. Stay yourself.  Be strong.  Be open. But be aware too.   These bullies disguised as friends and mentors walk among us in EVERY sector and season of life.  Just because they’ve gotten older doesn’t mean they’ve gotten wiser or kinder. They may have gotten  even meaner, but one thing is a given, they haven’t gone anywhere.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some women (and men)  who used to be mean and spiteful who aren’t anymore. And they realize how hurtful and wounding they were to those who didn’t deserve it.  Now they go out of their way to be completely different people and you can tell who they are from their hearts. 

But those are the rare  people who allowed whatever monsters were in their closets to come out into the light, and  chose to deal with them. Are still dealing with them. We all have them.

Don’t let someone else’s  monsters become YOUR monsters. Everyone has value, everyone has a purpose (except, well, Debbi..just kidding).  You will know when someone doesn’t have your best interests at heart, and this applies to lovers, spouses, sisters, brothers, friends, as well as the women  with whom you are thrown together in  everyday mundane life situations. Someone who is chronically unhappy doesn’t respect themselves, so they certainly won’t respect you.  They want to see you stumble and fall. If they can help you, so much the better. It‘s easy to see once you search for it.  There‘s no light in the eyes unless they are “ innocently” tormenting someone, then it‘s not a “warm light”.  You will recognize it.

You can stop them in their tracks if you are brave enough, or tired enough to get sick of it.  It’s not a practice I use everyday but something I keep and savor for special occasions. Here is one of my favorites: ” Kim, or fill in the blank with the name of whoever is being catty and obnoxious, “sometimes I REALLY like you, (wait for pregnant pause and dramatic effect) then…… But right now is NOT one of those times.”

-surveygirl46

no bully zone

7 thoughts on “Feminine Bullying: The REAL Oldest Profession

  1. Amen, surveygirl! More than forty years on, I still remember one such incident coming at me like a heat-seeking missile (at the perp’s own wedding shower, no less). Being…THEN..one of those wallflowers of which you spoke, I allowed it to devastate me for a few years before getting over it and promising myself “Never again!” I had only been in this person’s company perhaps three times until then and from then on…until there was no longer any need for me to be within earshot of her…when we happened to be unavoidably thrown together I’d run, not walk, to the nearest thing taller and wider than I was to hide behind. Just as you describe, she had an angelic smile, her manner of speech dripping with honey…in which some unfortunate bees surely had left their stingers. I did learn to deal with this sort but, obviously, something one doesn’t forget.

  2. Hi Nancy,

    I can’t find you under your name in WrongBlog Blogs so i will leave a message here and hope you see it! Thanks so much for your comments! This blog turned out to be important to me because I have found that most women are screwed up not necessarily because OF these bully incidents but because it adds more garbage to the way most of us gals feel about ourselves to begin with. Add the fact that this shit is ALLOWED to carry on, and even encouraged, I’ve found in the business sector. maybe so we can keep each other at a distance and no one will feel secure? No mutiny? No danger of a revolution? There are just mean assholes, to be sure, and FINALLY at 46 I don’t mind verbally questioning their motives to their faces, subtlely to be sure, so I will know what bush they may be hiding in. It took a long time for me to accept myself because if you don’t fit in to the “clic” they let you know that your differences are not accepted and/or made a mockery of. I discovered that I liked myself when it finally dawned on me that I enjoy my OWN company where I can be myself. These days I surround myself with “like” people. People who don’t judge and are able to say “hey, i screwed up, i’m grumpy, bitchy, et, but it’s not aimed at you” Give me the name of your blog so i can read it. thanks!! Lisa

  3. Walt, I hate to be the one to tell you this – There are A LOT more reasons why girls are crazy….You haven’t even BEGUN to fathom our depths of depravity….HEEHEE

  4. You know what they say, Lisa…that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger! And I’m glad we have gotten to that place but, as you pointed out, how do we get the younger women to understand this yet NOT allow it to happen to them? Not necessarily to distrust all women but to be realistic about the fact that women (particularly as you stated, in business) will not be kind or even fair to each other. Too fearful.

    Thanks for asking to check out my blog…appreciate that and hope you find something of worth…lol. Check this…

    http://www.maat45.blogdumps.net

    or

    Coffee Break?

    And if those fail, if you go to Blogdumps.net you can click on the first addy there, I think. Keep up the great work…I love your blogs!

  5. Lisa! Just heading off to bed when I gave a last check to my email and found that you had left a comment on one of my blog pieces so I skipped (mentally! LOL!) over there. Thank you for visiting and leaving such a nice comment. Reason I’m here now, is…oooh, please post the link to your humour blog! If you want to leave it as a comment here, I’ll be checking tomorrow. I was fortunate to have been blessedly born into a family who highly valued a sense of humour and I love to laugh so…looking forward to the link. And, if I may, I’d like to add that link to my blogroll (Wrongblog is already there). Thanks so much…take care and have a great night (or tomorrow depending upon your location! 😉 )

    Nancy (maat45)

  6. Ok but i warned you, my posts err on the side of “not correct” (of course, all done in the name of humor for me) http://www.letmygerbilgo.blogspot.com/ yes of course you can add my link to your blog roll, i’d be honored (hey, i don’tknowif you have ever checked this out but there are several great places on the internet to write articles and get paid, let me know if you want that info – you write extremely well, it might be fun for you (and lucrative) me, i’m unemployed since last week, so until ifind a “job” i am trying to earn at what i love to do…have a good nite….L

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