I am being stalked by Walmart.
It’s kinda my fault, I guess. I have been trying to make extra money online as my family and I are ONE STEP away from moving in to that “rent free” freeway underpass near the shadier part of town. (Can you get internet there?)
Anyway, I have been signing up with paid survey sites and joining “click on” paid email programs. Before you think, SUCKER!, I want to say that I checked out ALL the programs I belong to beforehand, via Ivetriedthat.com – great site by a couple of guys who give you the low down on all the scammers out there that are trying to take, literally, your last dime. But there are some legitimate programs that eventually pay off, if you work at it, which I have been doing EVERY spare moment for the last 4 weeks. Until I discovered BLOGGING, of course, and even better for my top ramen habit, PAID BLOGGING. My internet obsession with All of it, has led me to my current predicament with Walmart.
One night, I unwittingly clicked on a “survey” which started out consisting of windows that would open to ask boring questions that required redundant typing. IF I happened to answer “yes” to ANY question in any window, the program would open MORE endless windows, requiring the same redundant typing of the same crap I had just told the 100 windows before this one. (Guess the windows were too dirty for all the advertisers to take down my information at once)
So, all because I believed in the name of Walmart, I am now in this stalker situation. (I know, I know! They use foreign children at slave labor prices so we can afford to buy ugly furry bedroom slippers that fall apart the moment you put the on, blah blah blah. But that didn’t stop me from shopping there – NOT gonna lie!). All because I trusted that the low price leader was on the level when an announcement popped up on the screen saying I had WON a $1000 Walmart gift card. Ok, at the time, all I could think of was how many slave-labor-fueled cheap chachci I could buy at once! I mean, I am a woman filing bankruptcy, without permanent employment, budgeting my food money at the DOLLAR store, hoping to find 2for1 deals. Furthermore, I’m not always able to indulge my chronic alcoholism during the times that wine doesn’t show up on the Dollar Store truck pallet of weekly bargain deliveries. I mean, I went a little crazy!
To get to the point, Walmart was offering me a “gift” card, in fact, I had WON it! All I had to do was SIGN up with one each of their GOLD, SILVER, and PLATINUM sponsors, which (in tiny print it turns out) MAY require a purchase or acceptance by a major credit card that was one of their GOLD, SILVER, or PLATINUM sponsors. Now, I’m not against using credit cards, as long as they understand that it’s almost a GIVEN that I won’t be paying them back anytime soon; if they’re ok with that – GREAT, I say SIGN ME UP! But I don’t think these particular lending institutions were going to go along with my credit protocol rules.
Anyway, I quit clicking on the Walmart ad for the free-gift-card (doesn’t make sense – free gift – kinda like saying I’ll loan you some lunch) I deleted immediately every email I got with Walmart or gift card in the subject line of the ad. And Walmart sent them twice a day. So twice a day they got deleted. Then Walmart started doubling up the ads, asking me if I forgot about my FREE GIFT card? Delete, delete, delete, delete!!
Then Walmart started “threatening” (I can’t think of a better way to describe it) to have my $1000 FREE GIFT card delivered to my door on…..Monday! Delete! Then they sent more email ads stating that my FREE GIFT card (AKA FGC) would be delivered on random weekdays. Delete, delete! For some reason, the $1000 FGC started to sound like something evil in disguise pretending to like me. I started to believe that maybe Vito would show up with a gun and a walmart bag with a message from a “friend”. (I had my dog answer the door for a couple of days, just to be on the safe side)
Then, I didn’t see anymore ads from Walmart. Finally, maybe they had just given up on me, ungreatful bitch!, and would be giving the FGC to a more deserving email recipient, one that appreciated how hard they worked to GIVE someone a nice surprise!
Slowly, email life got a little more postelly unclogged. I would rush home from work, take a few surveys and click on some inbox dollar emails and unwind. If I didn’t have wine because the Dollar Store’s supply had run out, I would have a cuppa ANYTHING with alcohol in it; rubbing alcohol, wood treatment alcohol, etc. Life was good again! Then, one day, I got an email saying that some company had a data entry job for me via telecommuting!! I had signed up with some legit work at home companies, so this seemed logical. With bated breath, I clicked on the email expecting to see an offer of employment, or at least an ad for a paid database list. What I didn’t expect to see was that stupid yellow Walmart happy face, looking at me like a really disappointed CHUCKY, with a message that said simply, Why? WHY don’t you want your $1000 FGC? What did we do? Was the offer NOT good enough? Does Walmart have to slash open their corporate vein with happy face’s sword to make me change my mind? Don’t you know WE LOVE YOU?? On and On it went, like a dangerously psychotic jewish mother, mixing guilt with terror and frightening me enough that I got another email address that Walmart didn’t have access to.
Anyway I wish this story ended with that piece of WEIRD, but it is still going on. I have only received 2 or so Walmart emails at my regular email address in the last two weeks. But now they’re really playing dirty pool with me in their attempts to get me to turn.
One of the emails from Walmart was under the subject line “RE: Your court date for your bankruptcy hearing has been changed; please open immediately”! Heart pounding, I click on the email, only to see the WALMART, yellow happy face grinning demonically. The second email was just down right WRONG. It LOOKED like an email from my dad. My dad is 82 and my mother has alzheimers so they both have mortality staring them in the face. Well, my dad does, twice, cause my mom doesn’t know what that means one time anymore. But I digress. Anyway, this email subject line says “Lisa Call Home immediately”.
Visions of hospitals and ICUs dancing in my head. Then funeral plannings and OH GOD, cleaning up their house and trying to field through the bills that they owe. Then, worst case scenario, JUST a broken hip, and YOU need to move in and take care of them, you owe them! Plus, you worked in a hospital wiping butt for many years, you’re used to it. (FYI – I am glossing over the fact that I will severely miss them when they pass….) But back to the email. When I click on it and it opens, it’s that same freakin smiley yellow asshole face that will haunt my nightmares for years to come. The message simply says “Hi”.
Anyway, thats my tale. I avoid all Walmarts like the plague now. I treat every “suspect” email with too happy a sounding subject line like it contains eboli virus. If I hear whistling out of the blue, I freeze in my tracks. I don’t want anyone to give me a GIFT nor do I want to receive a CARD, for any reason.
When I can afford to shop, I go to the DOLLAR STORE. The Dollar Store is happy to sell me expired cans of god knows what from god knows where in the hemisphere – that is good enough for them! That’s there FGC, knowing that I may be ingesting portions of cockroach and seagull livers, and I can live with not knowing the truth about that. And to this day, they DON’T have a smiley, evil, yellow boucing head in a mask with a sword, for Christs sake, as their mascot.
I will just stay on my computer. Safe in my habitat. In the same clothes. Taking my surveys. Taking sleeping pills for insomnia, and sending my dog out for wine….