As seen on Renal Failure on Friday June 29th…

A friend of the Failure sent us a fundraising email from BarackObama.com, and it says that they’ve been posting submitted stories from donors on why they’ve given money to the campaign. Since Obama actually wants to win, he hasn’t posted any stories from any of the Renal Failure Players who have sent him money. So we’d like to post some of those right now.

Tina the Lesbian: “I sent Barack Obama money in case something happens to Hillary Clinton. But I don’t want Hillary to win because I like her, I just want her to win so the Screaming Head on the Radio has a stress-induced embolism in his brain. And if she doesn’t win, I think Obama has the second-best chance of giving the Screaming Head on the Radio that brain embolism.”

Ninja Vicki: “I donated to Barack’s campaign because it’s the only way I can support a candidate I like. As a ninja, I am not registered to vote because then it would make it easy to find me. Also, in keeping with ninja-ness, the money I sent was stolen from a John Edwards supporter’s house. Please push for legislation waiving voter registration requirements for ninjas so that others like me can take part in democracy without leaving ourselves vulnerable to assassins like myself.”

Mikka: “I sent Barack Obama money because got drunk and thought he was The Rock. And I thought it would be funny if he strutted around on stage with a championship belt and said stuff like ‘Barack says, know your role and shut your mouth!’ Or he could be in the middle of a debate and ask like John McCain or that guy from Law and Order ‘What do you think about immigration?” And then when they went to answer he could cut them off and say ‘IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!’ And every speech ends with ‘If you smell… what Barack… is cooking.’ Oh, and could he hit someone with a chair? I would give again if he did that.”

Yeah… definitely don’t want to see those stories on your campaign website.

On a related note, Tag Larkin gave money to Democratic candidate Mike Gravel just because of his commercial where he stares silently at the camera for a minute and a half before throwing a rock into a pond and walking away. Tag Larkin says it made him break down and cry, but if you tell anybody he’ll deny it and punch you in the neck.

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