It’s after 5 am on Saturday.  I’ve been trolling the internet since midnight in vain, in a frantic last-ditch attempt to locate  the latest medical breakthroughs in the delicate field of multiple gerbil extractions. I stop when I see an internet banner ad for spray on hair – in the can. Do they STILL sell that?  Suddenly, the gerbils can wait.

Does anyone remember the original TV commercial for spray on hair in a can?  It seemed to just pop up overnight sometime in the 1980’s.  It was only shown on obscure channels during the wee hours when most normal folk were sleeping.  The commercial, infomercial actually, was for a hair “replacement” product called GLH9 Spray on Hair. It was an unbelievably stupid product, in my opinion. What what was more unbelievable and stupid, and yes, hysterical, was the fact that there was an infomerical  made to sell it AND real people were actually buying it!!   

That got me thinking about human vanity and what we will do to assuage it, especially when it comes our hair. Both sexes are slaves to vanity. But what about that enigma called Male Pattern Baldness, or for you non-intellectuals, “Hair Not There”? And what’s a poor guy to do for hair replacement on a budget?  Also, it seems that  treatment options in the 1980’s were limited, even if you could afford them. 

I have heard that Male pattern baldness is to most men, what saggy national geographic boobs are to ALL women: The ULTIMATE humiliation. The FIRST irreversible sign that it’s all comin’ to an end; your youth, your life as you know it, Baby. First the hair goes, the belly stays and grows, the women say hell no, and then, just like that, your’e on your way down that old Denture & Diaper Highway, my friend!   Next stop, Death….

It must be devastating the first time you notice something’s a bit different in the shower.  The fateful day you bend down to grab a dropped bar of soap only to see that the hair you THOUGHT was on your head when you got in the shower, is now swirling lazily down the drain, not a care in the world.  Then, hastily grabbing your wife’s make up mirror for a backwards look-see,  PANIC raging as you realize that most of your remaining hair is also in the process of defecting.  In fact, it seems to be crawling down south towards those warmer climes of your body - specifically staking it’s claim on your back and ass.  Now we all know those are  not the locations Mother Nature intended  for us to grow a full head of hair! CRUEL!  

What to do? What to do?  Like everyone else, you don’t have a lot of money. In the 1980’s surgical hair plugs were new to the market, still in the early stages of potential disaster, and expensive to boot. So let’s think. Hair on a budget.   HMMM.   Maybe try this technique I read in an alternative hair style magazine once.  You shave your pubic hair and then try gluing it to the top of your head for that ‘Fro look.  The look is in, but the process can be messy, is time consuming and the magazine STRESSED that you have to be very certain you aren’t  infected with any kind of body lice or crabs in that region.  I guess that would make sense, hygiene aside, for another reason.  Your friends and family might be able to accept your new hip (sorta) fro, but how will you explain away the fact that your hair seems so ALIVE with movement? You could tell them maybe it’s feelin FUNKY and is movin’ to the beat. The word Funky would contain some truth…   

What else?  OK, the Comb Over should never be an option; in fact it should be outlawed, made a felony in all 50 states.  A study taken 5 years ago suggests that the Comb Over may be fading out in popularity anyway.  In fact, it’s seems to be worn exclusively these days by those door-to-door traveling “salesmen” types.  The ones who also favor cheap JC Penney striped polyester suits, ankle socks that don’t match but ALMOST cover their fish white, hairy cankles, topped off with a big gold KMART watch that tends to light up their big gin-soaked red nose.  Those attributes are muy unattractive alone, but add The Comb Over.  Let’s picture HIM knocking at your door with a briefcase full of bibles  -  Just KEEP traveling salesman!

Ok, so you may have to spend a LITTLE money.  You could try a toupee, but in addition to running pricey consider these potential problems:  You don’t know WHAT the toupee is going to look like once its planted on YOUR dome (they never fit on the customers head as nicely as they do on the mannequin’s head in the store). You may end up looking pretty scary! Plus you run the risk of it’s taking flight at the slightest hint of air movement and worst of all, it might just sail off your head at the most inopportune of times:  For instance:

At your firms’s corporate office, in the middle of YOUR big presentation to 40 stressed-out Japanese CEO’s. It’s  YOUR presentation alone that may (or may not) save your ASS from the breadline in the morning.  Turns out that the company rumor is true – They are ringing in the young, new talent, with hair! And ringing out the OLD timers that are all used up. Since this is your only shot to prove you’re still young and HIP, you’d sure hate that pricey rug to betray you by suddenly getting an inkling to wing off to Maui without you.

Then there’s that HUMILIATING future sex scene you don’t even want to imagine.  The one where you’re gettin’ busy with that “sure-thing” you met through Online Booty Call.  Just at that moment of truth, all systems go, porno music pumping, that rug on your head flies right off and lands smack down on your “date’s” face. You can’t blame her for screaming as she runs out of the hotel room, not in the right frame of mind NOW.  That hotel room HAS rats, BIG UGLY ones.  So later, alligator, that booty will call ya…..NOT.

The Hair Club for Men hadn’t  been dreamt up back then, but someone did come up with this:

The GLH9 Spray On Hair – In a Can, by Ronco. Not a LOT to say about it except that it’s just PAINT in a CAN, and it was made by Ronco, so you know that might not be good.  Anyway, here’s what I found out on the sites I googled for the spray:

Ron Popeil purportedly spent tons of money marketing this drivel. (Popeil sounds like French for” I want to something perverted to your dog”) And it was Paint in a Can.  

This product contained no hair-enhancing substances, proteins, vitamins, or even pretend hair. It was just non -toxic paint,  in your choice of the hair colors. I hope the poor suckers who bought this crap at least got the color of their choice, and didn’t have to choose between  midnite blue and rockin’ raspberry.                                         

 For the finale in the GLH9 by Ronco Walk of Shame, is this little factoid:

The spray-on hair wouldn’t even stay on your head long enough to fool your blind Aunt Sara. It was said that the paint would start melting OFF as it warmed to your body temperature. Melting Off and running down your face and clothes!  But people bought it and tried it anyway and hoped for the best.

 

Well, hair replacement has come a long way since then.  After a few dented-in skull tops, the hair plug industry seems to have gotten it down.  There is also skin/hair transplantations with your own tissue, but that sounds kinda living-dead creepy.  And I believe toupees have gotten more realistic and the adhesive they use to “stick it” to the head has probably gone up in quality. Or maybe not. Oh well….

Maybe in the end, we as a species should just give up on our vain ways and give  in to to what nature intended for us and just enjoy the ride.  Maybe guys are supposed to lose their hair and grow a belly large enough to be mistaken for an ottoman.  Maybe they should EMBRACE   their new Cannon Loud anal superpowers and relish in scandalizing large crowds in small spaces with their new and improved butt noises and bonus  smells.   

Maybe women are fated to grow their boobs long and droopy so they can use them as a fashion accessory in emergencies.  If they hang down long enough they can be twisted around to be used as a scarf, and hell, you can just dig out that old can of Spray on Hair and spray on a new temporary color to complement whatever color scheme your supp hose and mumu are sporting that day.  Don’t forget Ladies, in your new role of decay-dence, you too will have superpowers. You are now ALLOWED to be LOUD and naggy, it’s EXPECTED of you!!  And think of what fun you can have at those BORING endless family functions, losing your teeth “accidentally” in the punch bowl or in  someone’s lap!!  Remember youwill have the Cannon Loud butt noise/smell superpower as well.  Maybe it is all about growing old YOUR way. 

 But men,  if  you STILL can’t get into the idea of living bald, I have ONE more suggestion comprised of three words – Donald Trump, road kill, crazy glue.  Don’t try it at home.